Human Dynamics
Random guy in a 9-5 he hates after asking me about what I do…
Him: “I guess I’m not your ideal client then because I don’t need someone to fuck my shit up.”
Me: “You’re not my ideal client because you’re still content working in a 9-5 you hate.”
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i don’t leave myself for him
he doesn’t leave himself for me
we remain intact
separately
the sole portal
to
true intimacy
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No one owes you a thing.
Not their time.
Attention.
Love.
Response.
Understanding.
Validation.
Explanation.
Support.
It’s either given freely or for a reason that’s untrue.
Either way, it’s still not owed to you.
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When someone complains about my lack of empathy, all I hear is:
“I’m not yet willing to take full responsibility for my energetic state so I’m looking to you to fill in this uncomfortable gap between who I misperceive myself to be and the power I’ve yet to claim.”
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“The whole thing is like a movie.”
Him, last night, after our last few hours together before he leaves for a month.
When I tell him or others that he’s my favourite human, it’s because he is the purest.
Meaning, he has less shit in the way than anyone I’ve ever played with romantically.
Every being is pure, of course.
But most humans are drenched in matter.
Drowning in the abyss.
Overflowing with insanity.
Hard to reach from where it counts.
But not him.
Our experience is so light.
So empty.
Full of space and filled with life.
And the lived experience of that is a deep sense of calm and peace — one’s natural state.
Which creates an effortless, seamless, extraordinary dance.
A dream within a glorious dream.
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Even as I write about men,
it’s not about them specifically.
How could it be?
They’re my very own creation.
Birthed from the core of me.
And the quality of my experience with them (or anything else in my life) is never about, or dependent upon, them or another.
The dynamic is impersonal.
The players are interchangeable.
Because it’s all just energy, baby.
Who and what’s being presented as I play my own game, is never about the specific person or thing.
They’re just the vessels through which I explore Mandyland.
The playground that has no rules.
And every single piece,
I’ve orchestrated for myself.
Brilliantly.
Effortlessly.
Whether I like what I see or not.
I’m curating all of it — no exceptions — to sharpen the blade of me.
Which is why even in the midst of this beauty,
I’m not attached to any of it.
I don’t ‘hope’ it continues.
I don’t believe this is as good as it gets.
Because I know that the energetic quality,
the purity of me and all that I create,
is increasing constantly.
Exponentially.
There’s always more for me.
And I know that all I ever have to do is be Mandy,
just Mandy,
for life to shape itself beautifully,
seamlessly,
around,
within,
and through me.
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I’m sure I’ll be what’s considered ‘single’ for the rest of my life.
I’m not made to be in what most would view as a ‘relationship’, no matter what I’m experiencing with another (or others).
How could I ‘commit’ to a fellow human (insane).
To anything of this world.
My devotion is to my own evolution.
And to the truth of the moment I’m in.
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Kristen: “Will it break him if you don’t see him again?”
Me: “I don’t care. I don’t think of it. I just go scene to scene.”
I know how my detachment appears.
But attachment isn’t natural to the being.
It’s lodged in a story of some sort.
Meaning.
Matter.
Past.
Another.
It’s not that I don’t care about other people or what they go through.
It’s that I don’t care how their human is affected by me being Mandy.
I don’t take another into account when I make my moves.
Why would someone else have anything to do with what I know I must do?
Shall I factor in everyone I know and the world at large while I’m at it?
Give me a fucking break.
If something breaks, then good.
It clearly needed to be broken.
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He reminds me of a Leonard Cohen quote.
“You go your way. I’ll go your way, too.”
He moves with me seamlessly.
Effortlessly.
With nothing in-between.
A dance so quiet, so tender, so natural, so close.
So light.
So pure.
So empty.
So free.
Little is spoken.
Yet everything is said.
“Mine.”
“Yours.”
Here we are.
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It’s the empty vessel I’m after.
Limitless.
Bottomless.
Free of all constraints.
Willing to destroy himself,
so he can meet me here.
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“Either I’m going to have to dial down my depth and connect with someone in a shallow state, or not connect at all.”
The fellow on why he can’t vibe with most people.
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my NO with him only adds to the turn on
without that being my incentive to honour it
all i know in a moment is not this
what he does with that is not my business
not my ‘problem’
not a consideration at all
and yet
what he’s done with each zig and zag of me
has been heavenly
so dreamy
and
as i continue to ride each edge
making the entrance point more narrow
more pristine for the god in me
what awaits me on the other side of that perpetual sharpening
is the more that can’t be tasted
the more that can’t be felt
were i to choose to just deny myself
and abandon what is true
and it’s that whittling down to nothing
that refusal to stay where it’s false
that devotion to truth in each moment
(no matter what happens as a result)
that creates a vortex for the ALL
the ALL that can’t be named
the ALL beyond my wildest dreams
the ALL that’s sourced from NO
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even with a new lover
the zero point is what i’m after
it’s:
can you meet me here
in the place where i reside
when i offer no bridge
when everything false is denied
and…
(not) surprisingly,
he can
because he’s empty
present
open
true
he’s the most beautiful canvas
to create something new
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it’s not about going after the money or the person or any thing directly
there’s no real power in an outsourced move
because when you focus on the moveable
the changeable
the malleable (illusory) thing
it prevents you from doing the only thing
that has the power to move ALL things
(keeping the focus on YOU, with each and every move)
but when you make your move
because it’s true
regardless of the money or the other
you ‘get’ who and what is made for you
you always get what’s true
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Announcing that you’re going to do it isn’t doing it.
Holding off until an unspecified ‘future’ point in time to do it isn’t doing it.
Inching closer isn’t doing it.
Doing it only under a pre-determined (safe) set of conditions (aka plopping it into a cute little container where you feel protected and the true edge can be minimized, softened or skipped altogether) isn’t doing it.
That’s avoidance.
It’s testing the waters because you’re still afraid to jump without something in place to cushion the fall which prevents the actual free fall that your being truly craves.
It’s the perfect delay tactic.
Making sure that the time is still not now to do the thing you know is true as you do the exact same thing you’ve been doing all along.
Staying safe and calling it by another name.
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