Pain

Everything Makes Sense (An Essay)

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When you deliberately play at the energetic level,

when you see beyond the veil and make your moves from there,

you have the ability to look at all things / situations / dynamics retroactively - before you caught on to what you always knew - and you understand exactly what was going on.

You can pinpoint exactly when and why you or another deviated from truth and the natural / inevitable consequences of that choice.

Everything makes sense.

And when you ‘get’ the ‘energetics of dysfunction’ as it were,

that generate and and keep any toxic / twisted system / dynamic in place (which at the most fundamental level is just the deviation from truth),

you can no longer be surprised by anything that happens in the world / between humans / at an individual level.

Because it’s all the same.

And it’s a given that things would unfold as they did and do based on the black and whiteness of energetic truth.

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Clean + Dirty Narc (An Essay)

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The ‘narcissist’ is the inversion of truth.

They are a void.

But not a clean one.

The void is compensatory.

They don’t care about you.

But not in a clean way.

The lack of care is compensatory.

They are selfish.

But not in a clean way.

The selfishness is compensatory.

They use things and others.

But not in a clean way.

Their using is compensatory.

And…

when someone IS a clean void

when someone truly doesn’t care (about illusions / matter / appearances / the false and self-victimized you)

when someone IS ‘selfish’ (self-sourced / in energetic integrity / unwavering / true move making regardless of others)

when someone uses ALL things and people (to sharpen, to erect, to deepen and purify themselves)

they appear narcissistic

to those still bound by themselves

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The Beautiful Thing About Narcissistic Abuse (An Essay)

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The beautiful thing about ‘narcissistic abuse’…

(hear me out - and quotation marks because on the deepest level it’s not abuse of any kind - it’s a self-generated invitation to MORE)

is that it fundamentally changes you.

In that it propels you even more deeply and fully into YOU.

Into your power.

Into actual truth.

If that’s what you choose.

Stripping you of all the illusions / delusions that once brought and kept you dancing with the devil at the expense of yourself -

a choice you actively made.

The ‘narcissist’ wasn’t your kryptonite.

They didn’t hold any real power to derail you or your life.

It was everything that surfaced through your dance with them that was truly holding you back.

* that part *

And it was there looooooong before you two ever met.

The ‘narcissist’ was just the vehicle through which you could see your blind spots more clearly and if you were up for it - correct them accordingly.

This so-called monster was nothing more than an interchangeable player in your game because let’s face it…

If it wasn’t THAT narc it would be another narc until you learned what you needed to learn.

Until YOU changed.

Not them.

Because it was never about them.

And what they did or didn’t do was never about you either.

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Welcome The Narc (An Essay)

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You’d be much better off viewing the presence of a ‘narcissist’ in your life as a good thing.

A great thing, in fact.

Especially if they’re still ruffling your feathers.

They are here to show you yourself.

To show you precisely where you’ve veered from who you are and where you’ve yet to stand in your power.

(Your pretty feathers couldn’t get ruffled by an energetic toddler otherwise)

They are the messenger - and a powerful one at that - brought into your life (by YOU, my friend) to bring all of your shit to the surface - to be trampled on even more - until you’re forced and ready to do your work.

They aren’t the villain.

They simply exposed you - to you.

They electrified you.

Crucified you.

Which then erected you to your natural state.

So let a ‘thank you’ follow the ‘fuck you.’

If it weren’t for them,

these devilish friends,

you’d still be (energetically) weak.

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A Mighty Fine Loss (An Essay)

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If you weren’t trying to outsource from another what you can only provide for yourself,

you would not have ended up in something that hurts you.

You would not feel betrayed.

Or believe yourself to be a victim.

The good news is that the part that hurts isn’t the real you anyways.

The pain is from your illusion(s) / attachments being shattered (as they should be / needed to be).

And facing the reality that only you can ‘save’ yourself (come into full power) - instead of depending on someone or something else to enable and feed your (perceived) powerlessness.

Losing the delusion that someone else is responsible for how you feel, for where you are, for what you chose / choose, for what comes next…

is a mighty fine ‘loss’ and the greatest gift of all.

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The Internal Holocaust (An Essay)

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What was brought to the surface through the internal holocaust that is ‘narcissistic abuse’…

was already buried deep inside of you before this creature appeared.

That vacuous energy,

that disordered little ghost,

the one that had you spinning out of control…

held no real power or ability to generate a thing inside of you;

let alone something brand new.

Its existence in your field simply provided the exact configuration to rattle the cage you were already in.

And its mission was to do that until you finally let yourself out.

The ‘narcissist’ didn’t put or keep you there.

You were being shown precisely where you were already.

In a cage you had built yourself.

You were being faced with a level of density you’d been contending with all your life; albeit unconsciously, through the one(s) you chose to dance with as you died to each (illusory) piece.

If anything, you had entered a house of mirrors.

Waging a war with what you thought was ‘out there’.

But in reality,

the war,

and the hell,

was (already) within.

Perfectly out-pictured through ‘abuse’.

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The Narcissistic Invitation (An Essay)

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The ‘narcissist’ was the symptom.

The ‘problem’ was you.

The problem was your orientation towards yourself.

The problem was what you were not yet conscious of.

The problem was that you were looking outside instead of in.

Which isn’t actually a problem.

It’s just an opportunity.

And it was the ‘narcissist’ that hand-delivered that opportunity to you.

Serving you up to yourself until you finally got it right.

Until you saw yourself clearly and naturally moved accordingly.

Until you stopped blaming others for what you were doing to yourself.

Until you took all the responsibility you were handing over to them.

Sure, they were ‘using’ you for ‘supply’.

So what?

You were using them to become even greater.

They were the catalyst that catapulted you into the stratosphere of genuine power.

If, and only if, you were smart enough to do the work.

So the ‘narcissist’ was never the problem.

They were the gift.

The invitation.

The initiation.

Into you.

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Undercover Narc (An Essay)

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Only the powerless feel the need to deceive.

To hide, to perform, to resort to secrecy.

To control, to manipulate, to exploit and to take.

And only because they’ve (temporarily) forgotten how powerful they actually are, and mistakenly believe they must swindle the world to get what they actually want.

But what’s rightfully theirs already exists.

Beyond the need to fabricate a thing.

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It's Harrowing (An Essay)

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“It’s harrowing”…

to drop the mask

to face yourself

to have nowhere to hide

“It’s harrowing”…

to admit what you’ve done

to run from yourself

to keep trudging along

“It’s harrowing”…

to keep up the act

to now watch your back

to now be exposed

“It’s harrowing”…

to be what you are

when what you’ve become

is so far from home

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Going No Contact (An Essay)

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Going ‘no contact’ achieves nothing if you’re still energetically bound.

It provides a temporary buffer at most, for you to start getting your shit together by breaking shit apart.

But if you’re not doing the actual work of addressing and correcting what led to this twisted dynamic that you’re now needing / trying to extract yourself from,

you’ll just be going ‘no contact’ with the next one and the next and the next until you finally see that you are the source of the fucked up dynamic;

not them.

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You Left You (An Essay)

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Being in a ‘toxic’ / ‘abusive’ / ‘narcissistic’ relationship doesn’t erode your self-trust.

You never had it to begin with.

Hence said relationship.

You didn’t honour what you knew and felt from the start.

Clearly.

Because something else was more important to you.

And then shit went sideways as it inevitably would and you blamed the other for the hot mess you were in.

But it was you who left you to get something from them.

Instead of giving it to yourself.

To add…

Being in a ‘healthy’ (or seemingly healthier) relationship post ‘toxic’ relationship still isn’t IT if you’re now, once again, looking to another for what you’re still not generating yourself, no matter how good it feels.

You’re outsourcing from a cleaner supply but you’re still outsourcing regardless.

#theylovemesonowilovemetoo

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Stop Feeding It (An Essay)

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You starve it by not feeding it.

Inwardly, that’s what you do.

“The ignored guest quickly leaves.”

So give it no reason to stay.

You can entertain the chaos.

The insanity.

The mind.

Go into the depths of hell.

Then post about your dark night.

Tell others about that ‘necessary’ initiation.

That ‘generational trauma’ that ‘lives in your bones’.

Be commended on your strength for ‘facing the beast’.

(For enduring yourself at the hands of yourself and calling it by another name)

Sure, you can do that.

But you could also not.

You feed the pain because you get off on it.

When you’re done getting off,

it’s gone.

(Peep this Mandy Bite)

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The Denser It Gets (An Essay)

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when you perpetually self-abandon

the denser it gets

and when you do this over an extended period of time

that density

that was once only energetic

becomes matter

becomes ‘illness’ (both mental and physical)

because your system was not designed for such a deviation

it was designed to let you know all you need to know

to remain clean and intact

forevermore

so when you choose to ignore that knowing

over and over and over again

your brilliant system will turn up the volume until it can’t be ignored

until you have no choice but to honour what you know and have always known

(you ALWAYS know)

so even your ‘sickness’ (both mental and physical)

is still your system being brilliant as fuck

it never fails you

even when you ‘fail’ (deny) yourself

it speaks to you

for as long as it takes

until you finally listen

and choose to obey

and once you do

the ‘sickness’ dissolves

because it only arose

to point the way home

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