Addiction

Welcome The Narc (An Essay)

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You’d be much better off viewing the presence of a ‘narcissist’ in your life as a good thing.

A great thing, in fact.

Especially if they’re still ruffling your feathers.

They are here to show you yourself.

To show you precisely where you’ve veered from who you are and where you’ve yet to stand in your power.

(Your pretty feathers couldn’t get ruffled by an energetic toddler otherwise)

They are the messenger - and a powerful one at that - brought into your life (by YOU, my friend) to bring all of your shit to the surface - to be trampled on even more - until you’re forced and ready to do your work.

They aren’t the villain.

They simply exposed you - to you.

They electrified you.

Crucified you.

Which then erected you to your natural state.

So let a ‘thank you’ follow the ‘fuck you.’

If it weren’t for them,

these devilish friends,

you’d still be (energetically) weak.

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It's Harrowing (An Essay)

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“It’s harrowing”…

to drop the mask

to face yourself

to have nowhere to hide

“It’s harrowing”…

to admit what you’ve done

to run from yourself

to keep trudging along

“It’s harrowing”…

to keep up the act

to now watch your back

to now be exposed

“It’s harrowing”…

to be what you are

when what you’ve become

is so far from home

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The Beautiful Thing About Narcissistic Abuse (An Essay)

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The beautiful thing about ‘narcissistic abuse’…

(hear me out - and quotation marks because on the deepest level it’s not abuse of any kind - it’s a self-generated invitation to MORE)

is that it fundamentally changes you.

In that it propels you even more deeply and fully into YOU.

Into your power.

Into actual truth.

If that’s what you choose.

Stripping you of all the illusions / delusions that once brought and kept you dancing with the devil at the expense of yourself -

a choice you actively made.

The ‘narcissist’ wasn’t your kryptonite.

They didn’t hold any real power to derail you or your life.

It was everything that surfaced through your dance with them that was truly holding you back.

* that part *

And it was there looooooong before you two ever met.

The ‘narcissist’ was just the vehicle through which you could see your blind spots more clearly and if you were up for it - correct them accordingly.

This so-called monster was nothing more than an interchangeable player in your game because let’s face it…

If it wasn’t THAT narc it would be another narc until you learned what you needed to learn.

Until YOU changed.

Not them.

Because it was never about them.

And what they did or didn’t do was never about you either.

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You Left You (An Essay)

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Being in a ‘toxic’ / ‘abusive’ / ‘narcissistic’ relationship doesn’t erode your self-trust.

You never had it to begin with.

Hence said relationship.

You didn’t honour what you knew and felt from the start.

Clearly.

Because something else was more important to you.

And then shit went sideways as it inevitably would and you blamed the other for the hot mess you were in.

But it was you who left you to get something from them.

Instead of giving it to yourself.

To add…

Being in a ‘healthy’ (or seemingly healthier) relationship post ‘toxic’ relationship still isn’t IT if you’re now, once again, looking to another for what you’re still not generating yourself, no matter how good it feels.

You’re outsourcing from a cleaner supply but you’re still outsourcing regardless.

#theylovemesonowilovemetoo

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Stop Feeding It (An Essay)

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You starve it by not feeding it.

Inwardly, that’s what you do.

“The ignored guest quickly leaves.”

So give it no reason to stay.

You can entertain the chaos.

The insanity.

The mind.

Go into the depths of hell.

Then post about your dark night.

Tell others about that ‘necessary’ initiation.

That ‘generational trauma’ that ‘lives in your bones’.

Be commended on your strength for ‘facing the beast’.

(For enduring yourself at the hands of yourself and calling it by another name)

Sure, you can do that.

But you could also not.

You feed the pain because you get off on it.

When you’re done getting off,

it’s gone.

(Peep this Mandy Bite)

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The Denser It Gets (An Essay)

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when you perpetually self-abandon

the denser it gets

and when you do this over an extended period of time

that density

that was once only energetic

becomes matter

becomes ‘illness’ (both mental and physical)

because your system was not designed for such a deviation

it was designed to let you know all you need to know

to remain clean and intact

forevermore

so when you choose to ignore that knowing

over and over and over again

your brilliant system will turn up the volume until it can’t be ignored

until you have no choice but to honour what you know and have always known

(you ALWAYS know)

so even your ‘sickness’ (both mental and physical)

is still your system being brilliant as fuck

it never fails you

even when you ‘fail’ (deny) yourself

it speaks to you

for as long as it takes

until you finally listen

and choose to obey

and once you do

the ‘sickness’ dissolves

because it only arose

to point the way home

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If You Really Love Me (An Essay)

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Most would rather have another cater / adapt to their dysfunction(s) / delusion(s) than to do the work necessary to correct it themselves.

(Peep this Mandy Bite)

And most would rather do that for another to avoid their own discomfort in taking that same responsibility for themselves.

#letsstaysmalltogether

#fillinthegapsifyouloveme

#thatswhattheycalllove

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Rise Up (An Essay)

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When you look to another to give you something you’re refusing to give yourself,

what they offer will never hit the spot.

It’s yours to cultivate.

Not theirs to give.

And in your frustration of not getting what you think you want and need from someone else,

you point to them for not rising up adequately.

But it was you who did not rise up.

Hence your search for someone who would.

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Obliteration Dance (An Essay)

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I chose him precisely because of the density.

The grit.

For the perceived dysfunction that would highlight my own so I could erect what had long been limp.

I used him to purify myself.

To be stripped even further.

To stay until nothing was left.

From the outside, it looked insane.

And to my human, it felt like hell.

But obliteration was what I was after.

Why else would I have danced right there.

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