Lovers
if it didn’t destroy me
if parts of me weren’t forced to die
repeatedly
and quite potently
through the is-ness of he and i
there’d be no pull for me to stay
- not with him -
but with all that arises
through the mutual destruction that our interactions bring
this alone is what interests me
because i’m interested in what disturbs me
and i’m interested in the art of becoming less disturbed
by what throws me off my game
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I do the opposite of what they say to do
With a man
As a woman
Whatever the fuck that means
I am sharp
Not soft (and I am - very)
I challenge everything
Until there’s nothing
I don’t let anything go
Until it returns back to zero
(an inside job - read more)
And as he’s said…
I’m relentless
Unyielding
Exacting
Demanding
Militant
Trenchant
Mercurial
And yet…
He’s still here
Right here
Closer than most will ever be (his words)
To me
To themselves
To heaven
To another
Precisely because I do the opposite of what they say to do
With a man
As a woman
Whatever the fuck that means
Why would I be less me for anybody
The more me, the better
For everybody
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if you wouldn’t choose it again today
and again right now
if the slate was clean
(it is)
then there’s a reason you’re choosing to overstay
and that reason is not truth
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your past
your thoughts
your trauma
your pain
your parents
your partner
your kids
your ex
your current circumstances
and your mental health issues
are not why you’re not free
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you would never…
have to talk about your relationship
have issues in your relationship
have to work on your relationship
#workingonitneverworks
if you were both in complete integrity
and fully in your power already
you’d just be in your relationship
doing the blessed thing
the most natural thing in the world
‘problems’ only arise because you haven’t been speaking / living / being truth
you haven’t been taking full responsibility for your side of the court
you have been looking to, and waiting on, the other for something that’s absolutely not theirs to give
and that accumulation of bullshit creates problems
as it should
not because ‘all couples have problems’
but because ‘all people who aren’t living in integrity and look outside of themselves for something / anything - have problems’
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I don’t care about bridging our divide.
I care about bridging my own.
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I’m not going down there to get you.
You have to find your own way up.
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The chasm between he and I is immense.
Always has been.
Except, of course, when it’s not.
The only thing that has and could ever bridge that incredible divide is pure presence.
No self.
Those rare and delicious moments that he’s described as unimaginable, when both of us are simultaneously present AND absent.
This or nothing.
AND
This because there’s nothing.
Which is why it’s futile to ‘work on’ the so-called relationship.
The only work is HERE; not there.
#remainempty
Within me; not with him.
I don’t care about bridging our divide.
I care about bridging my own.
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You will never create something extraordinary with a partner who doesn’t activate your shit and doesn’t have shit that’s activated by being with you.
You can keep running from that reality with each person if you like, or actually stick with one and do the actual work required of you to face and deal with your shit as it comes up until that shit isn’t there anymore.
That way the dynamic reaches its natural and inevitable ‘end’ if it’s not really or no longer IT; not because you felt the need to throw it away prematurely just because you couldn’t handle yours or another’s shit.
I can assure you that whatever work you’re not willing to do with your current beau, you’re gonna have to do with the next one so getting rid of this one won’t ultimately solve a thing.
All of your shit won’t magically disappear.
And fair if you just want to ride solo for however long and not deal with another while you sort yourself out, or even just enjoy some superficial interactions that are less intense and activating along the way.
But it’s one thing to choose that for yourself because it’s true, and it’s another thing to avoid doing the real work with that choice.
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The (perceived) issues between you and another are never the actual issues.
It’s a lack of consciousness.
A lack of accountability.
A lack of integrity.
It’s ignoring what you know.
And that discord / divide shows up as those ‘issues’ because you are not yet in your power.
You aren’t saying or doing what needs to be said or done.
If you were, there’d be no ‘issues’.
Just truth.
The only thing that can set you free from those never-ending ‘issues’.
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It doesn’t matter why someone isn’t ready.
Or if they will ever be.
If they can’t walk through that door with you,
that’s all you need to know.
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I don’t need a safe, secure, reliable partner or experience.
#ivegotthatinme
I want the rawest fucking truth in whatever form that takes.
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if the only thing keeping you together is your unnatural attachment to one another
(and all attachment is unnatural)
made possible only through the sticky and accumulated shit you both have brought to the relationship table
things like your respective and shared pasts
your so-called traumas
your personal needs and desires
your ongoing focus on yourself and the other
then you’re not yet truly together
because of all that shit in the way
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