Essays
There is a purity,
an innocence,
and a very clean desire
at the heart of every addiction / compulsion.
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I bring people to the razor’s edge of themselves.
What they choose to do with that after the fact is entirely up to them.
If they can’t withstand their fire,
they’ll retreat to what is known.
But if they’re truly ready to be set ablaze,
they’ll burn until nothing remains.
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It’s not about me doing whatever I want, whenever I want (and it is).
Just blindly and haphazardly doing whatever I feel like, as if my existence is, and my moves are, at the whim of these ever-changing feelings and superficial desires.
No.
It’s about doing what I know needs to be done, based on my own internal commands (the innate brilliance of my being) regardless of how I feel or how it appears, and even when I don’t understand why I’m doing or not doing it.
Which one might assume takes effort since listening and obeying is foreign to most.
But when your true devotion is to the inner whisper that reconfigures itself in each moment, it doesn’t feel like effort.
It’s a given.
There is no other way.
It would take effort (and be impossible) for me to deviate from what’s actually required of me in a moment just to settle for what’s preferred.
I don’t prefer less than what’s required.
So in that sense, yes, I do whatever I want, whenever I want.
Because what I want is to live and move from the core of myself with an exacting level of integrity.
Which can appear inconsistent on the outside because the consistency (and the priority) is within.
It is a thread that never breaks.
And the reason I move as I do.
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Her: “But what if their moves affect me?”
Me: “Then you’re allowing yourself to be affected.”
Another’s moves aren’t the reason you feel the way you do.
That would imply that the external is more powerful than you are (it’s not),
and that you didn’t generate this exact feeling and circumstance yourself (you did).
The other’s moves are just what you point to and use, to justify your inability to harness your power.
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Whether you like it or not, you’re getting exactly what you’ve earned energetically.
And…
You can change what you’re ‘getting’ right now.
By doing the work where it counts.
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The idea that there’s a ‘right’ one implies there could ever be a ‘wrong’ one.
Impossible.
Every being you’re dancing with is the ‘right’ one.
The most accurate and divinely prescribed one.
For precisely where you are.
Just like every moment of life.
The current moment / relationship / circumstance / configuration and all that it’s comprised of, contains exactly what’s required of / for you to clear each board as the next board takes its place.
The players may change but this truth remains the same in the customized game created solely by you.
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Him: “I know you’ll never give me reassurance.”
And why would I ever need to?
What IS speaks for itself.
He spoke of wanting something more solid.
Saying he knows he can’t ask or expect that of me.
And yet…
I’m as solid as can be (energetically).
He can always count on ME.
But his human wanted something concrete.
In the physical world of make-believe.
Where nothing is solid.
Where security can’t be found.
Not in a thing.
Not in another.
Just in the space one cannot claim.
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“You’re the only person I know who walks their talk. Completely.”
The loveliest thing to hear.
And the result of doing the work.
Not just sometimes.
All the time.
With everything and everyone.
I’m relentless when it comes to my game and those I choose to play with.
No one gets a free pass.
Exceptions aren’t made.
Least of all for those I’m closest to.
Because doing the work and living in truth is the most loving thing I can do.
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Breakups don’t break what needs breaking.
Being the living truth breaks what needs breaking.
Moves what needs moving.
Recalibrates every piece.
People break up in the physical because they don’t yet know how to cut cords in the non-physical.
They’re trying to do ‘out there’ what they’ve yet to accomplish ‘in here’.
Thinking that rearranging ‘those’ things will inevitably take care of ‘these’ things.
It won’t.
Those things will remain messy things until you’ve cleaned up all these things.
Which doesn’t mean ‘stay together’ (even that’s not ultimately real).
It means there’s no need to contrive an end.
The separation / split you seek happens of its own accord through energetic truth (integrity); not through an intellectual decision or an emotional reaction.
There is absolutely no way you can be in complete integrity (which almost no one is) AND be in a dynamic that requires severing something in the physical.
From that erect place you can and will still apply any true move, which may of course include a physical separation.
But the work and the break is done in the unseen.
The rest follows suit quite naturally.
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Relationships don’t need to be ‘worked on’.
Nor do they require any level of sacrifice.
It’s not necessary.
Or energetically sound.
The vibe of trying,
reaching,
abandoning
(even just a little)
for or because of another…
kills the potency (and purity) that makes every dynamic thrive.
‘Working on’ the relationship by focusing on and considering the other inevitably creates an energetically limp (attached / codependent / diluted) experience for both parties, despite how intense this dysfunctional bond might feel.
It’s a poor facsimile of the pure fire you actually crave that only comes from never leaving home.
From working on THIS; not that.
Because THIS is all there is and that will adjust accordingly.
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Last night I dreamed I won billions in a lottery and it didn’t feel any different than how my life feels with him in it.
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His submission to me,
through his submission to himself,
goes as deep as my own submission.
It cannot be another way.
He’s sourced from my very core.
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The thing about being energetically erect and intact (one’s natural state), and not playing (making moves) unless and until it’s still, is that it perfectly fucks with whatever matter I’m currently holding on to.
The exact shit that’s here to be burned by the fire of ME.
It also perfectly fucks with the shit of whoever I’m playing with.
If there are any strings of attachment (hoping / waiting / needing / trying / expecting / victimizing / or whatever other bullshit that needs to go), I don’t touch it.
Because it’s an energetic turn off.
But if I feel turned on despite and because of the matter, it means that the shit is ready to get fucked up and I’m the bitch to do it.
Ultimately though, I play where it’s clear.
Where I sense no limits, no restrictions, no actual end in sight.
Just a wide open space to dive into unobstructed.
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as he and i deepen exponentially
it inevitably eclipses that which doesn’t hit as deep
there’s been this narrowing
a honing in
a natural devotion to THIS
and last night
a stunning and mind blowing masterpiece
was added to the intimate gallery of us
and all i knew was stay here
because here with him
is truth
and when i left his place to go dancing
to be the Mandy i’ve always been
i left this man
for the very first time
as his
and he
as mine
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if i ever felt him leave himself
move for me instead of naturally
it would kill the vibe on contact
and the turn on would be gone
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My experience of love is contingent upon what’s stripped away;
not on what’s added up.
The amount of time.
The layers of meaning.
The stories that are amassed.
Nah.
Seeing through lies.
The stories that die.
The dissolution of matter and meaning.
Accumulation doesn’t impress or interest me.
I prefer things light; not heavy.
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I’m exacting.
Because no level of compromise is required.
You can only say YES to what can be seen.
And I only want what has yet to be dreamed.
Which can only come from saying NO.
Especially to a YES.
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Months ago while telling a friend about a moment with the fella that I was a HELL NAW to, she asked if I help a guy to shift the things that I’m not into, or if I just end things because of it.
My response:
I only do what the moment requires of me.
Whatever that may be.
Me making my true move does exactly what needs to be done.
Across the board.
With everyone.
I dropped deal breakers / boundaries / standards long ago.
They aren’t necessary.
And no, I don’t ‘help’ the fella shift his shit because that, too, is unnecessary.
He’s grown.
And his moves are not my business.
He can be however he wants to be.
I’ll make my moves accordingly.
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I don’t need the sex to get better every time.
I need our SEX to be true every time.
Which makes all the things,
including the sex,
the very best
every time.
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“How do I?” is sourced from a lie.
It implies that something is wrong / lacking and clearly needs fixing.
You think you need to lose the weight / make the money / get the partner / overcome the condition (whatever the fuck) to feel / be / do / have A, B, C.
But you don’t.
Be HERE.
Right NOW.
And do whatever you’re being called to do in each moment.
Illusory problem(s) solved.
But because you can’t handle the beauty and simplicity of being present in the moment,
or the responsibility of both listening to and honouring your innate brilliance,
or the potency of the fire that comes from being THAT close and devoted to YOU regardless of externals,
and you’re hell bent on fighting against what IS because of your idea of, and preference for, how it ‘should’ be,
you take the long and completely ineffective way around the truth and power of who you are.
Any attempt to ‘fix’ what’s inherently not a ‘problem’ in the first place, cannot be sustained because it’s both sourced from, and being overlayed with, a fallacy.
Creating an endless loop of shit that never does the trick.
You think it’s about the food / the money / the body / the babe.
But it’s only ever about you vs YOU, which shows up in all the things.
And…
When you begin to see through it,
when you get to the place where you KNOW you’re good regardless of your size / your bank account / a relationship / your health (whatever the fuck),
and you know that YOU are bigger than (and the creator of) ALL those things,
(because THAT is the absolute fucking truth)
THEN you’re free from the energetic gridlock that’s been keeping all that shit stuck like a mutherfucker.
THEN you get to experience what’s always been on the other side of that illusory jail you’ve kept yourself in this whole time.
But until you figure that out and get to that place,
your perfectly orchestrated externals are gonna do their brilliant magic to show you that what you seek (and already are) cannot be found within any of them.
Every door ‘out there’ is gonna close until you finally open the only door that matters with the key you’ve always had.
Man, I just love how that works.
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