Pain

No Take Backsies (An Essay)

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It’s not necessary, possible or even favourable to be completely free of your conditioning / ego / false self / illusions.

It’s your custom-made, blade-sharpening playground.

And…

The deeper you go,

the more creative it gets,

and the more precise you get to be.

Which can be exhilarating.

But only once you’ve cut through the majority of its density.

Until that point, it feels painful, real and incredibly overwhelming.

You only catch occasional slivers of something beyond it before it fades back into chaos as quickly as it came.

And from that vantage point, it’s hard to imagine a life lived primarily from that clarity you only caught a glimpse of.

But it’s possible.

And inevitable.

Of course it can be this good.

This rich.

This deep.

Because ultimately it’s who you actually are underneath and beyond the conditioning that’s been created by, and gifted to, you.

Providing endless portals to places that you could never imagine, but are just an ‘of course’ to YOU.

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Did You Forget You're In Charge? (An Essay)

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forgetting that you’re completely in charge of

and responsible for

yourself

your choices

and every piece of your life

inevitably leads to pain, suffering and feelings of (pick your poison):

powerlessness

victimhood

depression

dread

resignation

boredom

fear

anger

apathy

doubt

worry

anxiety

and even more unsavoury vibes

so you can live in that forgetfulness for life (most do)

or…

choose power

choose freedom

choose truth

choose you

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Why You Go Through Hell (An Essay)

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You can’t ignore, soften, repress or shrink who you are and live an exceptional life.

You can’t shape shift for the world each day and then wonder why you’re depressed, anxious, suicidal, bored or angry.

THAT'S WHY YOU EXPERIENCE THOSE THINGS.

That's your incredibly brilliant system telling you VERY FUCKING CLEARLY that what you think you need to do and who you think you need to be to exist in the world (and with others), is not the answer.

The answer is so fucking simple.

Be YOU. Full out.

Which is the hardest thing

(even if it’s the most natural thing)

for most people to do.

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Trying To Change Another (An Essay)

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another person’s attempt to change you

their desire for you to be less self-expressed

less potent

less YOU

is nothing more than an indication

that they deeply crave to be just as self-expressed

(whatever that looks like for them)

but instead of choosing that for themselves

(which they can do at any time)

they try to diminish it in you

(like they’ve been doing to themselves)

to cope with the pain of that perpetual self-denial

that excruciating and ever-present pain

of rejecting

and denying

the fullness of who they are

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Clean Love (An Essay)

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doing something

anything

for or with a person

because you feel guilty or pressured

because you feel bad / sorry / pity for them

because you (mis)perceive they need saving

because you believe it’s your job to ‘help’ them

because you can’t withstand their pain

because ‘it’s just what you do when…’

is not pure

it’s not love

it’s an ulterior motive to ‘get’ something from the experience (validation / purpose / worthiness / love / security etc) and to alleviate the tension inside of you

for your own comfort; not theirs

but when you do something

anything

for or with a person

because it is what you truly want to do

knowing that no one needs saving

knowing that you’re not here to ‘help’ through contrived, measured, self-serving, pat-on-the-back receiving, recordable / postable actions and mindless obedience to the status quo…

but through the raw truth of your being and your devotion to the pulse of YOU (and nothing is more ‘helpful’ than that)

knowing that another person’s pain is not bigger than you

or them

and that it’s not a problem to be fixed

at all

knowing that what you do or don’t do in any given moment is perfect

despite appearances

regardless of convention

no matter how another perceives it

simply because it’s what’s true right now…

then it is clean

then it is love

because it doesn’t require you or another to abandon / shrink / dilute / change / over-extend a thing for the ‘other’,

or to maintain the delusion that such a thing is required to show love or to be loved in the first place

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The Anger is on You (An Essay)

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The extent of your anger, frustration and resentment towards another, is in direct proportion to the extent you’ve compromised, denied, silenced or abandoned yourself ‘for the sake’ of said person / relationship, which was never required, but chosen, for your perceived benefit (and to your actual detriment); not theirs.

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Anything Is Better Than This (An Essay)

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Deliciousness happens when you move towards the tension.

Power.

Ecstasy.

Freedom.

Truth.

Yet most people do everything they can to avoid it.

It’s dangerous.

It’s uncomfortable.

It’s all too much.

Better to stay safe, comfortable and small than to actually leap into the unknown.

Better to complain.

Better to be bored.

Better to stick with what doesn’t work.

At least there are no surprises there.

Better to blame others,

the government,

the past,

the moon,

for all that’s going wrong.

Better to light up than to feel the tension.

Better to pour one than to feel the tension.

Better to binge than to feel the tension.

Better to overwork than to feel the tension.

Better to act powerless than to feel the tension.

Better to avoid that person, that call, that truth.

Better to lie, to hide, to cheat, to stay.

Better to just remain in the illusion that all is okay.

Anything is better than standing in one’s full power,

in the truth of each moment,

in the endless tension that brings.

Anything is better than that.

Until it isn’t.

Then you just stop caring.

All the fucks? Gone.

Making others comfortable? Done.

Caring what they think? As if.

Risking it all? No such thing.

There are no risks.

There's nothing to lose.

There's only truth.

There’s only YOU.

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No More Journals (An Essay)

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well...

a couple hundred journals of mine

spanning over 25 years

have now left the building

i just watched them get picked up

get compressed

and taken away

along with the stories

the past

the process

the pain

(and whatever else those treasures contained)

no ritual went along with this task

no tears have been shed (as of yet)

just a decision tonight

to lighten the load

and this post to say farewell

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