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There are times when a NO within an experience is enough to keep it fresh and intact energetically.
And times when a NO must be applied to it directly,
in order to maintain that same level of integrity.
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If you wanna throw up, then good.
It means you’re riding your edge or you’ve bypassed your NO.
And both bring you closer to HOME.
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Stay where it's most alive,
as everything dead falls away.
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Addiction is an energetic pattern.
It’s not about the form / substance / person.
They’re interchangeable.
And until you succeed in shifting what actually needs shifting (which goes beyond just stopping something in the physical), you’ll naturally and inevitably replace one addiction with another.
You’ll unknowingly redirect that same addictive and still very active pattern to another spot (and likely return to the original spot), unaware that the pattern itself bleeds across the board until it actually gets cleaned up.
Even if you do manage to stop A, B or C in the physical, either temporarily or for good (which you take as proof that something has changed - that you have changed),
unless you also make the energetic shift required to dissolve the pattern altogether, nothing has truly changed at all.
You just ‘quit’ that one thing, only to continue the same pattern with this or the next thing, thereby proving that the specific addiction was never the actual issue.
What’s sourcing the pattern of addiction, IS.
And until that’s ‘resolved’ (seen through and turned back into nothing), it’s gonna keep shape shifting and fucking you up.
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We only feel the need to ‘escape’ when we’re existing unnaturally.
Addiction is the perfect way to ineffectively ‘manage’ the discomfort of that inner deviation.
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“I think of my addiction as escapism and I’m curious about your thoughts on that.”
Being energetically intact (operating from our innate power) is our natural state.
And it’s glorious.
So what’s to escape from?
We only feel the need to ‘escape’ when we’re existing unnaturally.
And addiction is the perfect way to ineffectively ‘manage’ the discomfort of that inner deviation.
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Numbers aren’t the indicator.
Followers aren’t the indicator.
Engagement isn’t the indicator.
Energy is the language that speaks.
There are plenty of people saying plenty of things while their energy outs them every time.
And there are plenty of people making and paying plenty of dollars for those words (and other energetically limp creations) because they cannot yet sense the truth (energy).
Your energy is felt and known whether you speak or remain silent.
It is felt and known regardless of what you say or what you avoid saying.
Energy can’t be hidden.
And words can’t hide what IS.
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Her: “But what if their moves affect me?”
Me: “Then you’re allowing yourself to be affected.”
Another’s moves aren’t the reason you feel the way you do.
That would imply that the external is more powerful than you are (it’s not),
and that you didn’t generate this exact feeling and circumstance yourself (you did).
The other’s moves are just what you point to and use, to justify your inability to harness your power.
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Him: “I know you’ll never give me reassurance.”
And why would I ever need to?
What IS speaks for itself.
He spoke of wanting something more solid.
Saying he knows he can’t ask or expect that of me.
And yet…
I’m as solid as can be (energetically).
He can always count on ME.
But his human wanted something concrete.
In the physical world of make-believe.
Where nothing is solid.
Where security can’t be found.
Not in a thing.
Not in another.
Just in the space one cannot claim.
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Breakups don’t break what needs breaking.
Being the living truth breaks what needs breaking.
Moves what needs moving.
Recalibrates every piece.
People break up in the physical because they don’t yet know how to cut cords in the non-physical.
They’re trying to do ‘out there’ what they’ve yet to accomplish ‘in here’.
Thinking that rearranging ‘those’ things will inevitably take care of ‘these’ things.
It won’t.
Those things will remain messy things until you’ve cleaned up all these things.
Which doesn’t mean ‘stay together’ (even that’s not ultimately real).
It means there’s no need to contrive an end.
The separation / split you seek happens of its own accord through energetic truth (integrity); not through an intellectual decision or an emotional reaction.
There is absolutely no way you can be in complete integrity (which almost no one is) AND be in a dynamic that requires severing something in the physical.
From that erect place you can and will still apply any true move, which may of course include a physical separation.
But the work and the break is done in the unseen.
The rest follows suit quite naturally.
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Relationships don’t need to be ‘worked on’.
Nor do they require any level of sacrifice.
It’s not necessary.
Or energetically sound.
The vibe of trying,
reaching,
abandoning
(even just a little)
for or because of another…
kills the potency (and purity) that makes every dynamic thrive.
‘Working on’ the relationship by focusing on and considering the other inevitably creates an energetically limp (attached / codependent / diluted) experience for both parties, despite how intense this dysfunctional bond might feel.
It’s a poor facsimile of the pure fire you actually crave that only comes from never leaving home.
From working on THIS; not that.
Because THIS is all there is and that will adjust accordingly.
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He can be however he wants to be.
I’ll make my moves accordingly.
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My experience of love is contingent upon what’s stripped away;
not on what’s added up.
The amount of time.
The layers of meaning.
The stories that are amassed.
Nah.
Seeing through lies.
The stories that die.
The dissolution of matter and meaning.
Accumulation doesn’t impress or interest me.
I prefer things light; not heavy.
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Months ago while telling a friend about a moment with the fella that I was a HELL NAW to, she asked if I help a guy to shift the things that I’m not into, or if I just end things because of it.
My response:
I only do what the moment requires of me.
Whatever that may be.
Me making my true move does exactly what needs to be done.
Across the board.
With everyone.
I dropped deal breakers / boundaries / standards long ago.
They aren’t necessary.
And no, I don’t ‘help’ the fella shift his shit because that, too, is unnecessary.
He’s grown.
And his moves are not my business.
He can be however he wants to be.
I’ll make my moves accordingly.
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While talking with the fellow about our recent ‘disconnect’ (which is not how I experience it; it’s just truth being played out moment to moment):
Me: “You felt like I left?”
Him: “I never felt like I had you in the first place. You’re a mystery to me.”
Me: “Well, no one’s ever ‘had’ me. But you’ve had more of me than most.”
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When I shared this Mandy Bite on Facebook:
“The more you see through, the less interest you have in what you see.”
A hottie commented on said post.
“And then what? I feel this in my soul.”
And then…
You let there be nothing of interest to you.
The more you’ve yet to touch will come directly from that.
The more you’ll never touch if you’re scared back to what’s not true.
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in the middle of the night
he and i had a lovely conversation about sex
and not surprisingly
based on how we met and how things are unfolding
we share a similar view on play
sex (penetration) for the sake of sex
hits no true spot
but the experience of SEX
that has no beginning, no middle, no end
that may or may not include penetration
that may or may not include touch or a release
that is not marked separate from a ‘non-sex’ event
(because it’s alllll SEX, baby)
that is where the magic is
that is what arouses more than a particular position or body type
than a pre-determined set of preferences
than a vibe of ‘this worked on her last time so i’ll just do that again’
because SEX is a dance in the NOW
so you can’t bring a (past) thing with you
nor can you aim for something else
you must make each move from exactly where you are
without leaving where it’s fresh and alive and new
without ever leaving YOU
because true SEX is beyond the physical
the body is just the vessel through which you play
endlessly
truthfully
fluidly
to more
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The more you see through,
the less interest you have in what you see.
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When there is a big, fat NO in my system that I didn’t catch right away, I feel sick in my throat.
It feels like dread.
It feels heavy and icky in my gut.
Things feel serious, tight, restricted.
And that dense feeling eclipses everything else until I figure out where the NO must be applied and how.
It doesn’t matter that I missed / ignored it the first time or how long I kept missing / ignoring my NO.
It doesn’t even matter who or what or why.
There’s a NO in my brilliant system and to keep saying YES to it would be a lie.
That sick feeling is proof that I missed / ignored it and kept missing / ignoring it or else it couldn’t have gotten to the point of full blown dread.
Who cares.
New moment.
New move.
Let’s rock.
When there is an edge in my system, I also feel sick.
Nauseous.
Hella nervous.
Like I’m at the top of a rollercoaster about to go down.
But there is no heaviness.
No dread.
No lump in my throat at all.
Nothing feels icky.
It feels exhilarating.
Fascinating.
Fun and light and limitless.
Yummy and also terrifying.
It’s not knowing what the fuck is gonna happen but being so willing to take this wild ride just because it’s true, and to let my fear stop me would be a lie.
And so…
A true NO is telling me to stop.
A true edge is telling me to go.
That’s how I tell the difference.
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When you let a situation ‘bleed out’ (come to its natural and inevitable conclusion), you choose not to touch it because it doesn’t require an intervention.
It’s not avoidance.
It’s knowing through discernment.
It’s staying where it’s true.
Not remaining where it’s flat.
And…
It’s not true that you need ‘closure’.
To wrap things up.
To contrive an end point, just so you can say it’s done.
It’s done the moment it flatlines.
Anything beyond that is just more of that.
No need to state the obvious.
Or bring it back to life.
Just stay where it’s most alive,
as everything dead falls away.
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